Brick Walls

For years I have hit my head against a brick wall. A relationship that just couldn't communicate. We could coexist. Sometimes even have fun. But there simply was no communication. And tonight we finally admitted that there was no trust. Somewhere along the way, deep down, we both knew we weren't connecting, and instead of dealing with that failure to communicate, we resorted to failure to trust and developed further destructive behaviors in the "lack of trust" department. Ironically, we both probably had no reason not to trust the other. (Ah see I say probably b/c I still can't trust that he was trustworthy, although some part of me believes that he was). But instead of dealing with each other, we both turned inward.

Just one of the many reasons we now live alone. But what confounds me, and what is truly ironic today, is my continuing need to communicate with him. My continuing determination to make him understand why we are the way we are, how we got where we are. And in a funny peculiar way, I see him continuing to try to make me see that his way is the right way, the way it is, and why do I have any differing opinion? I somehow sense that from his point of view, he is dumbfounded by this change in our life situation, despite his participation in our history. And as much as I know him, I understand his thinking even as I disagree with it. And my frustration is that he doesn't understand my thinking. And therein lies the age old rub.

Perhaps we only truly grow up and evolve when we stop trying to fix everything. When we let go. When we realize that people are simply different. Sometimes we will get along. Sometimes we will not. Sometimes we will be friends. Sometimes we will not. Not everyone will like us. Not everyone will want to hang out with us. Not everyone will understand our need for order, for disciplining our kids, for having "me" time. Not everyone will understand how you can care about someone yet know that it is time to let that someone go, because it just isn't healthy. For anyone.

Maybe I don't need to continue to smash my head against that brick wall. Maybe I need to see its strength, admire its beauty and learn to live with it, to incorporate it into the decor and deal with it, going around it when I can.