I am breaking all proper blogger rules by leaving this site empty and alone so often. Yes, I am busy with work. Yes I am busy with life. Yes I am busy with other things. but I know there are some family members out there waiting for updates about the kids and life....
sorry....
Fact is kids are in week 2 of driving class and week 2 of "summer." They are back with dad this week. So I am working every night until 10 or so trying in vain to catch up on billable hours. There are chores to be done, bills to pay, flowers to be watered, exercises to complete. Yet the more I have to do, the more I find I cannot do.
summer looms large before us. The teens I have are quickly maturing into young adults. The parents are navigating the waters of parenting this summer solo. I wonder if there are rules next door on daytime activities. I wonder if he thinks about boyfriends/girlfriends visiting while we are at work and they are at home. I have discussed these things with the kids and laid down very specific rules. In the ideal world they would have the same set of rules at both houses, but I gave up on co-parenting ages ago. I have resigned myself to having somewhat confused children. This is not the choice I would make, but it's the choice forced upon me by a parent who will not cooperate.
And so I stick my head in the summer sand and hope for the best. I relish the times we have together. I hope I don't have to travel too much - at least not during "my" week. I try to let go of the pain a little more every day. But I lack the energy to create interesting posts. At least on this blog....
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4 comments:
Here is some thoughts:
When Sh and Au were little, were the rules for the kids set up between you and K pretty consistent, meaning that you had the same "values", viewed most of the same things as good or acceptable?
When the kids were in middle school, were the rules for the kids set up between you and K pretty consistent, meaning that you had the same "values", viewed most of the same things as good or acceptable?
Same for HS (at least freshman year)?
Then the rules that will be established in your house will be generally consistent with the rules set down next door. Where the two of you differ in moral attitudes, the rules will be different and this you cannot change.
The goal of raising Sh and Au was to give them a strong moral base, a sense of what is right and wrong so that by the time these issues come up, their sense of duty to you will prevent them from straying too far. Because they come from a loving family that is active in their lives , this moral base will provide a great comfort to them as well as guilt when they begin to venture into the gray areas.
They will test the edges a bit, just as you did when you were their age. But you have raised Sh and Au well, so they will be good kids in general because they want to make sure you are happy as well.
You will continue to be proud of them.
Forgot one thing, arm them with one statement: "My Mom will ground me for life if she finds out (insert item here) and she always seems to find out somehow. So no I cannot (insert same item here)." This gives Sh and Au a reasonable and acceptable out to place the "blame" on you but save face with their peers. If you arm them in a similar fashion, it will probably not be used but Sh and Au will understand that you really do care and want the best for them as they transition to young adult.
HEY DF, thanks for the support. Oh that I could answer your many questions. Sadly, I don't think there was consistency in this house, ever. But Ex is a generally decent human being, even if he does bad mouth me now. So I think the kids do generally have a good, moral foundation. And yes, I have been telling them for years that when faced with a difficult siuation and peer pressure, BLAME MOM. Their friends all know that I tend to have the "mom-dar" radar that knows when they've been doing something bad. SO they can blame me for not being able to "go with the crowd."
There's just so much undercurrent swirling around here lately, it's so trying. I think I just need a little vaca, which I am taking, to recharge and face these issues again with a happier heart.
Thanks for being there.
Even though K may be saying bad things about you right now and may not be able to accept the current situation, both Sh and Au know that you are a wonderful mom to them. Why else would Au/Sh call/text/confide in you. Out of some misguided sense of chivalry, K apparently treated you in a less than equal fashion. But Sh and Au are the product of a loving relationship (at that time anyway) and you both have high moral standards. Those moral standards will translate well to Sh and Au.
They trust that their mother is a reasonable person who has their best interest at heart and loves them unconditionally.
You are not some self-indulgent, me first prima-donna that had children just because you thought it would help you climb some social ladder. Most decisions are ultimately based on what is best for the family unit as a whole, not any one individual.
As Au was maturing, he sees how K treats you through out your day to day relationship interactions. He therefore begins to emulate this pattern with other girls in his life in a similar fashion. This is only natural. (You emulate your mom in many ways, K probably emulated his father; I emulate my dad, all subconsciously.) It is the pattern we are taught. Sh also sees this pattern and ultimately expects the men in her life to treat her similarly.
What you saw was a relationship with K, that through no fault on your part, that was not acceptable because you were not being treated properly. There was no physical abuse (at least that I am aware), but also not being treated as an equal life partner that had true meaning and value. That had to change because you are way more than a person "hired" to have K's children and be their nanny because of parental expectations. You show Sh, Au and you that there is much more "worth" in you, so now you are truly a super mom to them.
Sorry for the rant and confusing post.
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